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"I who tell it am [...] the root of change. Poor forked thing buried in darkness. Homunculus who cannot rise from time and bloom with the spirits in Heaven. Doll of intelligence, mechanical prefigurer, your angel, your perfect servant, hovering near your empty throne, awaiting return, trusting you have not forgotten. I who tell this am like you and not like you. I live and do not live, I am not born and I do not die. I have known you all, and I am alone.
Poet and no poet, I [...] sing you the songs of the shades." - Jack Butler
Current Month
Dec. 9th, 2006 @ 10:22 pm Boredom breeds ugly randomness... And, bad anime.
Current Location: work
In my mind: tiredtired
In my ears: the fan on the dessert case
Fsck you, Dan. Why did you have to post it? WHY???
;)Collapse )
About this Entry
Nov. 12th, 2006 @ 09:17 pm Sleepy Sunday...
In my mind: sleepysleepy
In my ears: none... I need my CD player back...
Tags: , , ,
I love my job.

On Friday, I ran out of things to do at work. The girls had been sent home to finish their display for the chocolate competition, so it was just me and Terri. Terri was taking care of the wedding apointments, and I was working in the back on the cakes. But, it was a slow week, so I asked Terri what else I could do. She thumbed through her cakes-to-be-decorated and handed me a cake with little Sanrio style monkeys on it and handed it to me.
"Do you think you can do monkeys?"
"Well, I can try. I mean, if I screw up, I can just scrape the cake and start again. But, I can always try."
So, I sit down to make the colors I need when I group of people walk in the store. Terri is still helping the couple in for their 5:00 wedding appointment, so I go out and ask how I can help them. They reply that they are here for their 6:15 wedding appointment. Well, there's not really enough room for them to sit down while the other couple is still here, so I tell them that it'll just be a moment, and they can feel free to look around at the displays and at our portfolios while they wait to be seated. I retreat to the back where I start decorating the cake. Of course, the four people waiting for their appointment are standing around our window, watching me decorate. So, here I am, feeling like a trained monkey in the window, making little chibi monkeys out of buttercream. Fun, fun!

Andi and I have a brand, spanking new king size bed. It's fscking awesome. It's huge and soft and firm and COMFY... I can't wait to sleep tonight.

I love my dog. Really, I do. Except today. Today, I want to break him in half. He shat on the floor TWICE and pissed on the bath mat. Grr...

Anyway, LOVE!
About this Entry
Nov. 8th, 2006 @ 08:05 pm Holy crap, how did I miss October?
In my mind: contentcontent
In my ears: just the traffic outside and the wind
I haven't seen this many boxes since... well, the last time I moved. It's like a maze in the living room/dining room. Yoda is having fun trying to learn how to navigate through it all. It's kinda funny watching him jump over and crawl under stuff. I love my dog.

So, the Comcast guy just left--hence my regaining internet access--and I was checking out the cable... Why does Comcast feel the need to change the setup of their cable every 3 months? For anyone who has never had Comcast (and lives under a rock), they have a feature called "On Demand" which is something like Pay-Per-View. It has movies, TV shows, specials, music videos, previews, and other random stuff (like the awesome retroerotica that I can't find anymore... :( ) that you can call up to watch at any time. Some is free, some isn't. It's kind of a crap shoot. Anyway, it used to be under one area. You would hit the "On Demand" button on your remote and it would take you to the on demand channel where you would search through different categories to find what you want. Now, every channel seems to have their own "On Demand" channel... There's Oxygen On Demand, Movies On Demand, etc... I don't like it as well. I can't seem to search for movies by category, anymore... And, as I stated before, they seem to have done away with the hugely funny retroerotica (some starring Betty Paige). Anyway, I'm very confused because now the On Demand button doesn't DO anything. Why is it still here?

So, I decorated my first honest-to-God cake order today. YAY! I'm so happy to have it done and under my belt! And the lady was so happy! It's her son's birthday and she wanted to get him a cake decorated like a basketball. So, the top was a basketball and I put little sugar dec basketballs on the side and it looked very good. I'm very proud. I mean, I have written on cakes for orders before (mostly walk-ins), and it's pretty simple, but decorating is different. And it went very well, if I do say so, myself. But, I almost had to decorate another cake today... You see, there was an order for a woman whose daughter is going to play basketball (what's with all the basketballs?) in college and she wanted to have a congratulatory cake for her. Well, Rachel was supposed to decorate it with girls playing basketball, but she didn't want to do the actual girls. So, she did the background and the writing and then begged Terri to do the girls. But, Terri didn't realize that the cake was for this morning, so she left to do deliveries and stuff without decorating it. Well, the lady shows up to get her cake and I bring it out, not realizing that it wasn't ready, open it up and we're both like, "Where are the girls?" So, I tell her that I can finish the cake for her, but I'll have to make all new colors and it might take some time. She's not happy, but she agrees to come back in an hour. Luckily, Patty is on the phone with Terri (who is telling her that she won't be coming back today because she's babysitting her grandson in the afternoon). I tell Patty, "Phone. Give me phone," and proceed to explain the situation to Terri. Terri freaks out because she thought the cake was for tomorrow, so she hurries back to the store while I mix her colors and get all her bags ready for her. I'm so relieved that I don't have to figure out how to do it, that I don't even notice it only takes her five minutes. :) It turned out really nice, though, and the lady was very happy. She was probably very happy about 50% discount. Ah, well. It wouldn't have been the end of the world if I had had to decorate it--just the end of the cake.

I felt very proud of myself after voting, yesterday. Proud enough to wear my "I Voted" sticker straight through to today. You see, I have a serious problem with politics in this country. I am very liberal. Anyone who knows me knows that my social views are nearly as liberal as they come. But, fiscally, I am very erratic. Much of the time, I agree with the DFL on social issues, but the GOP (or, more often, no one) on fiscal ones. I have been told that if you had to put me in a box, it might be labelled "Libertarian." Personally, I think I'm more of a socialist. But, maybe that's just because I long for a day when human beings can make communism WORK. Anyway, when it comes time to vote, I usually just go with the safe bet and vote DFL. I am a registered democrat, in fact. But, this year I had a dilemma. This year, there were a lot of people on the ballot in my state of Minnesota that I actually AGREED WITH. Most of them were members of the Independance party. Thus my dilemma. Do I vote for someone that I sometimes agree with that might actually win? Or, do I stick to my guns, vote for the candidates that I more often agree with that stand NO chance of winning? What if my vote for a no-win candidate lets someone in office who will try to take my rights away? This is very troubling for me. I am afraid of a lot of right-wingers. To be honest, I'm pretty sure that half of them want to drag me out into the street and shoot me. The other half--they just want to put me in a concentration camp and burn "PERVERT" onto my forehead for being gay. Or, maybe just "fix" me. Anyway, I am going to rant further if I let this continue, so I'll go back to my point. I feel justified. I voted for people I think I could really stand behind. Even if they all lost. I still feel good.

A final note. I think I must have blinked... Where did October go?

Much love to everyone.
About this Entry
Oct. 21st, 2006 @ 01:44 am New Apartment!
In my mind: tiredtired
In my ears: Inara George - What a Number
So, Andi and I got the apartment! Yay!

We will be officially renting starting Nov 1, but we should be able to move in the weekend of the 26th--which is awesome because we will be able to take our time moving our stuff instead of having to move it all in one day. I am so excited about this, I could burst! The new place is beautiful, but we are missing many common articles of furniture... Such as a couch... and chairs... and a real table... At least we have a bed and a TV. heh And a PS2.

I got a raise at work! And, I've been moved to full time! AND, I'm receiving decorating training so I can make MORE money and work MORE hours! Joy! I'm very excited about this because I love my job and this gets me a little closer to actually being able to LIVE off my job. I will still be looking for a second job once we get moved in. Plans are to check out the caterer down the street, then move on to the other businesses in the area. I am thinking that if there is someplace I can decorate cakes (like a grocery store or a DQ), then those will be my next targets. Yay!

Andi and I have been getting wedding stuff together... It's over 18 months away, but I still feel this need to get it all hammered out RIGHT NOW. We have a basic design for the cakes already... Which is pretty easy for a baker, so that's not much to be proud of. I mean, we know WHERE we want to be married, but we don't have the venue reserved, yet. We don't have anywhere reserved for the reception. We are starting to get registered for gifts. We have our rings. We haven't even fully decided what we'll wear. We've already lost the first draft of our guest list... So much stuff... It's frustrating to me because Andi was the one that wanted to have a ceremony, and now I feel like I'm doing all the work. I mean, I did all the research and the sketching and the designing of the cakes, I'm the one scoping out caterers and reception halls, I've done all the registering, I've been getting all the info on clothes and traditions... I just wish she'd help me or cancel the whole thing. I mean, as far as I'm concerned--we're already married. I don't need someone to declare it for me in front of a bunch of random people. I know it and so does she. We both want to be together for the rest of our lives--raise some kinder and get old, y'know... But, Andi wants the wedding. So, why is all the work on me? The only time she seems to do anything is when I nag her... I hate having to do that.

Yoda is in trouble, so he's pouting. It's unbearably cute.

Love y'all, bai.

PS - My hair has grown to frighteningly long lengths--it hasn't been this long since I was a freshman in highschool. I think I will donate it to locks of love.
About this Entry
Sep. 29th, 2006 @ 09:56 pm (no subject)
In my mind: tiredtired
In my ears: Yoda whining...
Tags: , ,
Okay, Andi already went into the whole car accident thing, so I guess I don't need to tell you about that, and ditto the wedding and the apartment...

So, I've forgotten what else I was going to write about.

A couple of side notes:

1. I have noticed that I am really afraid to call my friends and acquaintances. This is rather disconcerting since many of my friends are busy people who I have promised to call and will likely not be able to call me and actually get hold of me. Thusly, if I do not call, then the lines of communication will basically crumble. This isn't a new problem, but I've started to notice lately how much it has isolated me. I live in a city full of people I could hang out with, but I don't talk to any of them anymore. This makes me sad. I can't think of anyone that I once hung out with that I wouldn't love to see, but I am afraid to call anyone because I don't know if they would want to see me. Or, if they are too busy to even talk to me. I think the perfect example is the group of friends that Mika and I used to hang out with, though moreso Dan and I. I miss them a lot, but I get a feeling of discomfort from them, so I never call or try to hang out because I get the impression that they don't like me, anymore. I wish someone would just fscking say something. I mean, pussy-footing around like we do doesn't solve anything. I have flat out said that I miss hanging out with some of them and they should give me a call. Yeah, sure, they say, but they don't call. If you don't want to, just say it. Don't let me waste my time and yours. (Interesting how that diatribe went from sad to angry.... Hmm.)

2. I don't know how many RSVP's we've received about the Samhein party since there's still a month or so til they're due, but anyone who can make it is more than welcome (as long as they RSVP)! This is sort of a half-assed Halloween party, too, so if you want an excuse to wear your costume twice, then here it is! The info I have is as follows:

When: Nov 1st 2006 6:00 pm
Where: Maplewood Olive Garden (I believe this is the Olive Garden located on Beam Ave near Maplewood Mall and St. John's Hospital. I can give directions to anyone who's too lazy to get them for him or herself.)
Dress: Costume optional--clothing manditory
RSVP: No later than Oct 25th 2006 by phone

Post your eMail addy if you need our new phone numbers. :)

Well, time to be off.

Love, all.
About this Entry
Sep. 19th, 2006 @ 07:26 pm wtf?
In my mind: coldcold
In my ears: Drunk & Disorderly and The Tim Malloys
It's freezing in my house, right now.

Y'all should know already that Andi and I are staying with my folks til we find someplace to move to in Minneapolis. What you might not know is that my Dad has no realistic understanding of a 'normal' indoor temperature. In the summer, people have to be dying of heat stroke before he lets us use the AC, and in the winter it has to be below zero before we get the heat... In the summer we can at least park in front of a fan, but in the winter I sometimes bake things simply so I can sit in front of the oven and leech heat.

Side note: my mood swings seem to be dissipating now that I'm off the prednisone, but they are still present. I am afraid to try mood stabilizers.

Much love to everyone.
About this Entry
Sep. 18th, 2006 @ 05:32 pm Sha la la!
In my mind: contentcontent
In my ears: The Kleptones
So, I forgot to tell you about Grey's Anatomy... Leah and her mom are totally addicted and made me watch a couple of episodes with them on Saturday. Now, to be fair, I was not in a good mood at the time, and it's not the worst TV show I've ever seen... But, it's pretty close.

The every premise and plot line is just an attempt to sneak SEX into the show. None of the MAIN characters are terribly likable (though, some of the more secondary main characters are at least pitiable), nor do they seem to have realistic motivations throughout MOST of what I saw. It was trying WAY to damn hard to be funny and falling WAY short. Maybe I was simply watching the worst episodes EVER. One redeeming virtue: Sandra Oh and her character's beau dancing was adorable. I was really quite happy with that scene because it reminds me of my real life. A lot of the time in movies and on TV and even in music, nothing is really realistic. Even the situations that are realistic lose their integrity because the characters don't act in believable ways. But, at least for me, that scene was completely realistic. Sandra Oh's character was brushing her teeth and dancing to music that was playing, while a voice over mused about adults never quite growing up. When her beau entered, she froze, as if embarrassed, then started to dance, enticing him to join her. After a moment of speculation, he, too, joins in and they dance together for a few minutes. These kinds of things are not only cute and endearing, but actually have happened to me. How many times when you are alone at home do you do something that you'd never let anyone else see? I dance and sing on my own all the time--badly and off-key, heh. And, there have been plenty of times when, while car dancing, Andi will look at me funny before joining in herself... Those kinds of cute cut scenes are what I live for in my media.

I don't think I'm too hard to please. :P

Anyway, I'm gonna run by Target with my mom, now, so maybe I'll write more later...

Love y'all!
About this Entry
Sep. 16th, 2006 @ 05:14 pm Mood swing!
In my mind: contentcontent
In my ears: DDR, EVA and Sailormoon OSTs on random!
Okay, so now I'm on the up-end of this particular mood swing. Everything's great. I wanna go shopping and eat lots of food... But, I'm really tired and I still feel sick. I also have to go to my second cousin's wedding, today. I've never met her before, so this should prove... well, actually, boring, to be honest. Oh, well. At least I will get to scout out her cake, heh.

So, I spent a couple of hours with my best friend early this afternoon. She will be getting married in November and she asked me to make chocolate center pieces for her... Except, her mother keeps taking over and changing everything. I've decided that it's not worth the headache of dealing with her mother, so from now on I'll just be sticking to the sugar work and her mother can be in charge of all the chocolate... Should make for an interesting event.

While I was visiting, I saw my best friend's younger brother for the first time in a few years... He's all tall and hairy--it's weird. And, he's a bigot. Can't tell you how many times I had to restrain myself from hauling off and smacking the shyte out of him. I mean, it's not like his attitude is a surprise... I knew he was a bigot, but I never got the 'vibe' from his family, so I'm not sure where all this hate came from. But, now it's all "negro" this and "faggot" that... I have thought about telling him that he's hurting me and his family with his words and actions, but I'm afraid he's too far gone... It's really depressing because he's not an idiot. He's one of those kids like me--never had to study. Barely fscking opens the book and he aces his exams! But, he's lazy and hateful. He refused to get a job--the only jobs he's managed to get, he loses because of his laziness or his bigotry... Makes me so sad. Why do people have to be so hateful?

Anyway, time to get ready for the wedding!

Love all!
About this Entry
Sep. 14th, 2006 @ 08:31 pm I know it's just stress...
In my mind: sorebroken
In my ears: Dar Williams - After All
So, I know that I have been singing the praises of my new work, but here's proof that nothing's perfect...

Yesterday was a bad day. One thing after another was going wrong all morning--and not just for me--one of the girls from work found out that a family member of hers is (again) struggling with coke addiction. Because of this, she was very stressed and spent most of the day on the phone trying to figure out what to do. Well, I was filling orders, like I usually do, but there were some special orders that I didn't know how to do, so I asked another girl and she explained it... But, somewhere in the explanation, we got confused and she told me how to fill the wrong thing. Well, I finished the cake (which took a long time because I had to trim it specially and make new filling and so on) and I was about to move on to the next one when I had to take a phone call about an invoice. So, while I was taking care of that problem, I hear her yelling, "WTF? Why the fsck is this like this?" etc... I return to my work where she continues yelling at me, even though the other girl explains that she gave me improper instructions... Well, I know that I fscked up and I'm really sorry! I never want to do anything wrong, but sometimes I feel like nothing goes right--like no matter how hard I try, I KEEP fscking things up... And, I do. So, I'm very shaken, jittery, even, and the woman who was yelling left to continue trying to fix her family issues. I pull new cakes to replace the ones I fscked up, then move on to the next cake... Except that I can't stop freaking out--it's all I can do not to cry--and, after I finish the next cake, I realize that I assembled it upside down--I fscked up again. So, I'm crying, telling my co-worker how stressed I am and how the day kept getting worse and how sick I was... Eventually, we fixed my mistakes, but I still feel horrible...

I mean, I know that she was really stressed and that I fscked up and that I shouldn't still be carrying this with me... But, I can't seem to help it. I just feel like a fsck up.

And feeling this way and complaining about it makes me feel whiny and useless and like even more of a fsck up... It's the same kind of spiralling thought pattern that used to lead me to cut and burn myself, to get drunk and fsck around with whoever would have me. But, I don't have the same mindset I used to. I'm a surprisingly different person than that, now. I tell myself it's healthier. But it's hard to believe that this empty, broken feeling is healthy.

My love to everyone, I've none left for myself, right now.
About this Entry
Sep. 11th, 2006 @ 08:13 pm (no subject)
In my mind: rushedambivalent
In my ears: Ryuichi Sakamoto
Sooo, a few things:

Firstly: well, as everyone knows, it's the 5th anniversary of "September 11th," a date that has become as much a part of 'our' American culture as the "Fourth of July." There's been a lot of random tribute style stuff all over TV, radio, and the internet... but I think that the most important thing is the national government's obvious oversight... Why isn't today a national holiday? I mean, seriously, there's an election coming up, war obviously isn't making 'the people' happy with Dubya, so why not try peace, instead? Declare 9/11 a national holiday dedicated to throwing a huge party. Think of it as the wake for our personal freedoms. ::shrugs::

Secondly: my favourite episode of the West Wing was on tonight. Score.

Thirdly: I made an ugly-ass cake that people at Andi's work went totally bananas over.... just wait til they see what an actual DECORATOR can do! lawl

And, lastly: I finally got over my shit and called Mike about maybe doing Placebo for CON next year. Sadly, I got Geoff's number from him, but forgot to ask if I could use his pill capper... Oh, well, I'll just call him back over the weekend.

And, another thing: nothing personal, but pregnant women shouldn't work in bakeries! Catie was SOO sick on Sunday because she walked into the bakery when Miyan was baking spice cake. I guess she ralphed within 5 minutes, so none of the cakes that he and I baked for the weddings this week were sandwiched. Read as: I got to spend all fscking day today sandwiching all the cakes, both tiered and sheet, for 1000-5000 and 9000's. Then, I was supposed to make the boards for the tiers, except that Mel came in and decided to do my job, so I'm standing around for the last hour or so of my shift going, "I'm not even supposed to be here" this late.... Whatever, at least it all got done.

I have a cakey rant brewing in my skull, but it will probably have to wait...

Love you guys!
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